This I Believe

I hate contentment. When it comes to emotional states contentment is the middle ground between happy and sad, the zero on the number line, so contentment is like feeling no emotion at all. I believe it’s the emotions I feel, both happy and sad, that define my life.

I’ve felt the bliss of absolute freedom. I can fill a water bottle, saddle up my trustee beach cruiser, and see where two rubber wheels can take me today. I have a tendency of going on rides without knowing where I may end up. I’m in it for the journey. I think my favorite place to ride to is the ocean. I love the feeling of the cool ocean breeze rustling my hair and the sounds of rolling waves hitting the sand not to mention the view of the my many bikini-clad compatriots who have been kissed by the California sun. All the while I’m pedaling away with a smile on my face, no shirt on my back, and singing along with whatever song I have stuck in my head. I may be making a fool of myself, but I don’t care. It’s those worry-free moments of sheer joy that remind me that my life is worth living.

I’ve also felt the pain of aborted romance. As the Eels would put it, “do you know what it’s like to care too much, about someone that you’re never gonna get to touch? Hey man, now you’re really living.” I lived to hear her laugh; I thought it was cute how it went kind of deep when she laughed really hard. No matter how good a day I may have been having, if I found out hers was bad, mine was ruined in an instant. I’d have nights where I had trouble falling asleep because I couldn’t stop thinking about things I should have said to her or done. And when I could sleep, I’d dream of her head on my shoulder as we sat together on a glider at night looking up at the stars. But that dream was never to become a reality. I was stabbed through the heart by the reality that I didn’t have what it takes to make her happy. It wasn’t easy, but I had to set my hopes aside and settle for friendship. Admiring from afar sucks, but admiring from a few inches away is just torture. However, it’s these moments of suffering and the regrets they inspire that remind me that there is a past to remember, a present to live in, and a better future to hope for, and it’s in the darkest moments that I learn to appreciate every speck of light.

I reject the emotional consistency of contentment. I believe a bland life is not worth living; that’s why I’m glad mine is a mixture of bitter and sweet.